Everything You Wanted to Know About Life Off the Bike...But Were Afraid to Ask

Eat, drink, ride, eat, drink, ride, sleep. That's the short answer. But, whether you want it or not, let's get to the nitty gritty.

The question I'm asked most often is, "How do you go to the bathroom?" This is only a question from women. Because we are traveling on scenic low traffic back roads, we go for many miles with no services. Because we are eating and drinking constantly we need to use our imagination to create discreet spots. Carol is classy and disciplined. She takes her time to find something resembling privacy. Pam and I have the philosophy, "It's too much trouble, just be fast." Mostly it works. Except the time I was exposed at the top of a hill as a huge semi truck came lugging around the corner. Pam was almost falling down with laughter as she pointed to me. I could tell by that driver's expression that I made his day.


For safety, we try not to get too spread out on the road. This means Pam and Carol usually wait for me to bring up the rear. In Pam's lexicon it's "Barb's suckin' hind tit."

Sometimes nature calls more urgently. At these times I fall farther behind. When we regroup Pam says in her deadpan Missouri drawl, "Dang, I didn't know you were gonna' be layin' pipe to Alaska."

When we arrive in a town first thing we do is get settled into our home for the night. We get ourselves, our bags and our three bikes into the room. Then we relish a hot shower and wash our bike shorts in the sink. Carol scouts out a place to hang her portable clothes line. We then need to give our bikes some TLC. This means some lube for the chain and air in the tires and greasy hands. The most amazing thing is that we manage so well. We all seem to keep our stuff within a particular space and no one gets irritated after a grueling day of riding.

Republic had a library with internet so we hit that before closing time. Pam and I were each on a computer with a person between us. We kept talking back and forth: What town are we in? Where did we come from today? What was our mileage? What interesting thing happened today? I think the librarian was relieved when our computers were timed out after one half hour. She was extremely patient with our noisy questions.

Our next order of business is prowling for food. In Republic, we found a great salad bar. Unlike California, the salad bars in Washington don't let you go back for unlimited helpings. But, you can at least pile as much as possible onto the plate.

The toughest part of cycling day after day is where the seat meets the seat. The delicate part of our anatomy is taking such a beating. The remedy is Bag Balm. We checked the drug store and found, in the baby section, Butt Paste. After inane questions to a patient clerk, we bought it.

Next we found a garden shop. They were ready to close but invited us in to look for Bag Balm. We found a slew of baby chicks. We were treated to "Chickens 101". The roosters get eaten. The hens get a reprieve of 5 years, until menopause. We bought the Bag Balm and were on our way.

We just had time to make it to the grocery store for our next day's rations. Usually that means a lot of cheese and peanut butter. Imagine our surprise when we found the librarian and the drug store clerk doing their own shopping after a long work day. We really stood out with our brain dead expressions and bright yellow grease stained cycling jackets. Life in a small town.

Our last job was sorting our STUFF to get ready for a mail drop in Ione. Pam decided to let go of her sub zero winter gear AND the Butt Paste. I decided to let go of my books. But Carol really cracked us up when she shared with us, "the heaviest thing I'm carrying is my prosthesis". That was when we discovered she is a breast cancer survivor. I am in some awesome company. Like I said, "no whiners, no complainers".

Before dropping off to sleep, Pam leads a discussion about what time to set the alarm. She always wants to leave earlier and I always want to leave later. It gets settled by going earlier. What does earlier mean? To Pam it is first light. Since we are so far North, this results in us going to sleep when it is still light out so we can get up in the dark. It's a good thing we do leave early because we have had some 12 hour riding days.

The three of us met from a classified ad Pam placed in Adventure Cycling Magazine. She did specify "early riser". But imagine her surprise when, as a devout Christian she found herself locked into living intimately for three months with two heathens , a fanatic with lipstick and an early riser who doesn't want to leave the day before.(Honeymoon's over, "we're not equally yoked"). Pam has resigned herself to the lipstick by sneaking a new deodorant back into her bag. I am getting ready earlier. When there are two beds in a room, it is easy to divide the Christians and the Heathens. Pam said, "if lightning strikes, He can get two for one." What kind of Christian idea is that?

Pam says her next ad will be more specific. "early riser means leave at dawn, must be a Christian, no lipstick." I am sure she wouldn't have as much fun as we're having now.


Then it is pleasant dreams so we can get up and start the fun again.